Quiet Time

I've thought a lot lately about posting my thoughts on the subject of just "being quiet", but I'm not sure exactly how to say what I want to say. 

I guess I'll start by voicing the fact that I'm a quiet person by nature.  I enjoy chatting and sharing things with those I love, of course, but less often than others do.  I've had people come to me and tell me (later on in life) that when I was in high school, they mistook my being quiet for being a "snob".  This totally shocked me!  I didn't know I wasn't allowed to just be quiet and shy.  Now I know that I can be quite the introvert and I'm okay with that - although it hurt to hear people thought of me in that way at the time.  

Aside from being quiet by nature, I am quiet by depression.  And SO many people take this personally.  So I'd like to clear the air a little and say that it's not you, it's me.  When I'm in quiet mode, I don't want to talk and nothing you can do or say can help this.  It is not something that needs to be helped.  I'm not ignoring you, by any means, I just don't feel the need to converse.  My focus is inward during these times and I just need some space to breathe and think.  It makes me anxious to force conversation when I'm not feeling like talking.  It does NOT mean I don't care about you or what you have to say.  This has been such a difficult thing the past few years as I have married into a family that thrives on being social and I'm, well, not.  I love them for who they are and what makes them this way - they are incredible people and so much fun to be around.  I just wish they understood more about why I am the way I am and not to take it personally.  I don't even know that they do take it personally, but sometimes I feel this is the case. 

So, I think what I really want to say is that it's okay to be quiet.  If you know someone like me, who is either quiet by nature, quiet by depression, or both, try and understand that they need this time to themselves.  Try not to coerce them to talk when they don't feel like it or don't want to.  And please, PLEASE don't take it personally.  Remember, it's not about you and not everyone is built like you.  Open your mind and your heart today and embrace your quiet friends and family the way they are.  They need your love and support more than they are able to say.  Just let them be quiet. 

Maureen

A New Day

Lately it seems I've been having a lot of trouble accomplishing things on my "to do" list.  There are a couple of reasons for this, I think.  One, pregnancy makes me tired.  REALLY tired.  And I never know when it's going to hit.  Some days I have these amazing bursts of energy.  But then there are days like today - where I didn't get to sleep until 3 am (thank you, pregnancy induced insomnia), had a horrible nights sleep, and couldn't manage to pry myself out of bed before 1 pm.  And it makes me feel flat out lousy.  I hate that I've missed out on almost an entire day when I could have been doing something productive instead of sleeping.  I feel like a failure (I know I'm not).  So back to my list of reasons.

  Two, I'm depressed and some days it takes every bit of strength I can muster to get out of bed.  Not even get dressed - just get out of bed.  It's exhausting mentally, physically, and emotionally using every fiber of your being to focus on that one task.  I know some of you may think this is ridiculous, but it's the truth.  I've had several days in a row in the past where I haven't been able to get out of bed and I'm skimming along rock bottom.  My husband takes a day off of work to help me and I call my psychiatrist and talk with her.  Usually, a medication change comes along with this.  And then there's the time it takes to adjust to this new medicine (usually about a week) until you can feel it starting to work.  

When I'm having days like these, where I feel like I can't get anything done and that it's too late in the day to do anything about it, I remember this - it's never too late to start over.  Start from where I am and go from there.  I can still be productive and do things I want to do and if I don't finish all of them, it's okay.  I've got tomorrow to look forward to.  Every day is a new day, a new beginning.  Sometimes we have to start over every hour, every minute.  Again, there is nothing wrong with this.  We (I) just have to be willing to do this.  There's no need to feel ashamed.  There's no need to feel like a failure.  And there's certainly no need to throw yourself a pity party (well, maybe a small one is okay as long as you don't dwell on it and allow yourself to move on quickly).  Just keep going.

Maureen

Fear

Another not so fun thing that comes along with depression is fear - fear of failure, fear of the unknown, fear of anything and everything.  It's not just that you have fear - everybody has fear.  It's that it eats away at you constantly.  And then along come stress and anxiety.  In fact, I recently looked up the definition of fear in the dictionary and it was defined as "concern or anxiety".  How fitting.  Lately, I've been living in fear and have felt ruled by it.  Fear I won't be a good mother, fear we won't be able to provide for our unborn child and ourselves come June, fear I will never find a job or passion in life that I love.  This leaves me with a feeling of anxiousness at all hours of the day and night, one which I loathe.  Some days it makes me physically ill.  But really, it is just that - a feeling.  And as much as I think I'm powerless to control this, I'm not.  So what now?   I find ways to at least lessen this feeling and take back control of my own life.  It's been an experimental process, to say the least, and involves multiple aspects.  Firstly, I have to point out the obvious:  it's not a quick fix.  It takes time to retrain the mind from your current way of thinking to a more positive frame.  This means you are in a state of constant self-awareness, which is exhausting in and of itself!  But knowing who you are and how you operate is essential in being able to change the way you view/do things.  You know how one negative thought leads to another, and then another?  Why can't the same be true with positive thoughts?  I'm working towards that end.  In retraining my brain and body, I replace the negative (as soon as I can catch myself thinking it) with the positive.  It seems like such a simple thing, but it takes lots of work.  I also engage in mind relaxation exercises, which helps to ease my fears, and, in turn, my stress.  It can work wonders on your body and soul.  I exercise physically as well.  Zumba is my favorite thing right now.  You'd be surprised what an hour of good cardio will do for the mind.  Additionally, I have some wonderful friends that I get to see who are loving and encouraging and just great to be around.  I read.  This one's a little more difficult for me with my short attention span.  I'm working on it, though, as it helps to keep my thoughts in one place.  I don't, however, like to talk about my fears with anyone, husband included.  I've never been much of a talker and it makes me feel vulnerable to tell people my thoughts and feelings (I'm only human).  I should probably work on this one, too.  Prayer and meditation.  I think these speak for themselves.  They allow me to survive more than any other thing.  I also love listening to uplifting music during my day as I go about my activities.  Lastly, I write.  This is new for me and I find it helps organize my thoughts and make things a little clearer.  It's therapeutic and I love it.  I will end with a beautiful verse a friend of mind posted on facebook earlier this week that I've been focusing on:

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
Isaiah 41:10


What are you afraid of?  


Maureen

Love and Misunderstandings

I've decided to join the blogging world.  However, this isn't a blog about keeping up with my family, although I'm sure from time to time there will be posts about that.  I have a couple of reasons for wanting to start a blog.  Number One - I have been feeling incredibly misunderstood by friends and family lately.  Number Two - To help give myself and others a better understanding of what it's really like to be clinically depressed day in and day out.  The two are directly related (obviously).  I feel misunderstood because many of the people around me don't understand depression or what it's like to live with someone who has it.  And I don't know how to "teach them" about it.  Depression isn't easy to explain and from an outsider's point of view, it can just appear the depressed person is lazy and unmotivated.  Add on top of that the fact that I have ADHD and can't be medicated for it right now because of pregnancy and it's a whole new ball game.  I think the two are intimately related.  The lack of stimulation from not being medicated feeds into the lost and restless feelings of depression and leaves you feeling alone and with no direction and no clue where to turn next.  For those who are curious, I am on antidepressants and have been for several years.  Every so often, they stop working and I have to switch to something new or a different dosage of the same.  I've already had trouble with this during pregnancy and had my dosage doubled recently and I am hoping that nothing else will need to be done before the baby is born in regards to medication changes.   Other than my medication, my support system consists of God (lots of prayer), my husband (who doesn't always understand, but he tries and he listens), my doctors, and various friends and family members.  Outside of these precious few, it's hard to decide who I should share things with and who I shouldn't.  I know that there are people out there that think depression can be overcome with positive thinking.  Well, positive thinking helps, but I've never known any clinically depressed person that was able to "think" themselves out of depression.  How do I know who to talk to without being judged or feeling judged?  I guess the simple answer is, I don't know.  And I think that's ok.  If you want to judge me, go ahead.  But keep an open mind.  I want to be open minded and hear what others have to say as well.  I'm willing to take in constructive criticism and build a better version of me and I know I can't do this alone, although sometimes I just feel completely alone.  So, I'd love to hear what any of you have to say about any of these things and even share your own experiences with me on this journey.  I'm not in this alone and I don't have to be, Praise the Lord for that.  Thanks for reading.
Maureen