Life

It's been awhile since I've had the time to journal (and think clearly about it), so I thought I'd share with everyone an update on how life has been since our son Max's arrival.  So here it is.

Our newest addition to the Culbreath family, Max Danger Culbreath, was born June 14th, 2011.  He is, indeed, the world's most perfect baby.  Since two weeks old, he's been sleeping through the night (Mommy and Daddy are SO grateful for this) and he only really cries when he's hungry.  And how are Mommy and Daddy?  A little TIRED, but happy.  I am so thankful for a baby who knows the meaning of sleep.  I can't imagine having to get up with Max every single night as it was pretty difficult in the beginning and those of you who know me know I need my sleep (or you won't want to know me).  As our friend Woods says, "Max eats like John and sleeps like Maureen".   Thank goodness for that!

The first two weeks out were hell.  There's no way to sugar coat it, that's just how it was.  And I will add that as difficult as it is to care for one child, I'm sure it's just that much harder for those of you with two at a time, three at a time; I can also see how parents of multiples have a higher divorce rate.  Everyone with a newborn, regardless of number, knows that the hormones are flying, there is serious sleep deprivation, and let's not forget the stress of caring for this tiny new being you know nothing about.  Are you stressed yet?  I'm getting stressed out just thinking about it.  So how is life now, you ask?
There has been pp depression.  In the beginning, it was hard.  So hard.  I was crying night and day about every little thing.  I cried when I was happy, I cried when I was sad, I cried when I was mad....you get the point.  I can remember the second night we were home with Max and I had a complete meltdown because I thought he was growing up so fast and, in my head, I had him already graduated from college and married with kids of his own.  Ridiculous.  Part of this I attribute to the fact that the hormones were seriously out of control and trying to readjust themselves to whatever their "normal" level is.  The other part is that I already struggle with depression and this made dealing with the hormones about 10 times worse.  You can imagine how my poor husband felt as he tried to console his severely irrational wife.  God bless him. 
At around 4 weeks, the hormones started to level out a bit and I felt a little more stable in my emotions.  A large portion of this I will attribute to my being able to return to they gym at 2 weeks pp and get back into my exercise routine (yes, my midwife cleared me for this).  It helps my mood, no matter what state I'm in, to get involved in something physical.  My drug of choice is Zumba and the time away from the stresses of life for just that one hour a day helps my mood be where I need it to be.  I am so thankful the Lord gave me the energy and strength I needed throughout my pregnancy and pp period to keep exercising.  Physically, I am an anomaly, having healed so quickly after giving birth.  I am in a much better place physically and emotionally than I would be if I had not kept up with my exercise.  Additionally, I am proud to say that today Max is 10 weeks old and I have lost all of my pregnancy weight.  Weight loss is a whole different can of worms I won't address today, but just know it is something I have always struggled with in the past and continue to struggle with daily.  So you could see that progress in this area of my life would help my depression.  I'm not where I want to be (who is, really?), but having accomplished this goal of losing the pregnancy weight so quickly gives me hope to try and continue to live a healthy lifestyle and someday reach my goal weight.  

Besides the physical and mental stress of having a newborn, there is the fiscal side of things.  Many of you know my husband and I practice Financial Peace (Dave Ramsey) and that I have been looking for a job over the past 7 months with no success.  Pizza Hut wouldn't even hire me.  I'm serious.  It was that bad.  Somehow, though, God has provided for us through every step of the way with refunds or bonuses or gifts and we have made it through till now.  John and I both knew I had to go back to work, so when Max was about 5 weeks old, I started looking for and applying for nursing jobs.  One Sunday night, I sat and applied for jobs while everyone went to the movies.  The next morning, I got a call to set up an interview.  The next day, I interviewed.  The day after that, I got the job.  Really?  After 7 months of countless applications and interviews and I get a job in literally 3 days?  My outlook on the whole situation remains this:  1.) I'm so very thankful for the period of rest I was allowed during my pregnancy and that we were taken care of through it all, and 2.) I'm thankful for a new job that allows me to help provide for my family.  And, the same day I got hired, a friend of mine, who is also a nanny, posted on Facebook that she was looking for a new nanny gig because her previous one had just come to an end?  Don't tell me it's all a coincidence.  Did I also mention that I think I might actually be enjoying this job?  Big deal for me, as I have yet to find something in the nursing field I enjoy doing.  I'm pretty stoked. 

All of this isn't to say that I don't have my rough days, but I am at a point right now where I feel my depression is more under control than it has been in recent months thanks to medication, exercise, a good support system, and life changes (staying busy has helped immensely).   And I would also like to say thank you to those of my friends who have shared with me their battles with depression, especially on the pp side of things.  I am encouraged to know I am not alone in how I'm feeling or what I'm thinking. 

So there you have it.  The past 2 1/2 months in a nutshell.  Good times, bad times, hard times, sad times, and everything in between, I remain thankful.  Be thankful for life, for what you have, for each new day.  This helps you take the focus off of yourself and your troubles and gives you something positive to focus on.  Be thankful. 

Thankfully Yours,

Maureen

In Need

It's been a couple of months since I've blogged and I thought I might need to write to clear my head and my emotions.  I'm looking for a bit of catharsis and hoping this will help.  I don't know what I'm going to write about and there probably won't be a theme but I know I'm feeling down and I need something to help lift my spirits.

Just within the past couple of weeks or so I've started to feel extremely emotional.  I know, I know, I'm pregnant and this comes with the territory.  But it's more than just emotional - it's sadness.  I feel like my medication isn't working like it should and I'm frightened for what the postpartum period holds for me.  I am so overwhelmed with everything that still has yet to be accomplished with the house before this child comes and I'm so incapacitated by this that I'm not able to do the simplest things (side note: physical exhaustion also rules my life right now and anything I try to do to engage my body in some sort of exercise or task results in contractions..frustrating).  I worry about a safe and healthy delivery for us both.  I worry we won't have what we need to take care of this little guy.  I can't stand that the house is a mess and I don't have the energy or focus to fix it.  I hate that I can't exercise as intensely as I'd like because it really helps with my stress level.  I'm mourning the loss of this stage of my life where it's just my husband and me.  I'm concerned about finances and not being able to find a good job to pay for daycare and pay off our debt quickly.  I worry we won't be able to sell our car and find something reliable we can pay for with the little cash we have set aside.  Oh, and I worry about how all of this stress I'm experiencing is effecting our child while he's still in the womb.  I feel overwhelmed and stricken with sadness, fear, anxiety and exhaustion. 

This is also hard on my husband (obviously) but he seems to be dealing with it quite well and always offers up himself when/if I need him.  For those of you who live with or are close to someone with depression and/or anxiety, simply offering your time and your listening ear is enough to reinstate the calm and sanity that is needed to think and see things more clearly (a new perspective).  We need outside perspective and we are willing to listen.  And, it's also a good idea to ask what you can do for this person in your life to help him or her through a difficult time or to just encourage them (us) on a daily basis.  We may not have an answer (often times we don't) but we appreciate your willingness and thoughtfulness and the fact that it makes us feel less alone during these times. 

I hope that those of you who are reading this don't just think I'm complaining.  If that's all you see, then stop reading, because you're missing the point.  I know that many people go through what I'm going through right now (and worse) with a lot less than what I have and who I have in my life for support.  And I deeply appreciate these things and these people.  I'm just looking to clear my head, reach out to others, and know that I'm not the only one who feels this way.  I'm just looking for a little encouragement at a time when I don't have a whole lot of it to offer to others. 

In Need,

Maureen

6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:6,7

DOG...GOD

This evening I found myself overcome with sadness.  There was no particular reason for this.  The end of the weekend is always a little bit sad because I won't be getting to see or spend time with my husband as much during the week and that's just hard to handle sometimes.  I will continue to sit at home and look for jobs and he will be at work doing his own job.  But I digress. 

Many who know me are aware of the fact that I am a very physical person - and by this I mean I love to be touched, hugged, snuggled, "pet" (this one is for my family), etc.  I find great comfort in touch and I generally tend to need it more than others around me.  So it was a wonderful thing when I was taking my bath and told my husband I was sad and he let me crawl in bed next to him while he put his arm around me, stroked my hair, told me he loved me, and quietly continued to read his book.  And then, our "baby" (translation = youngest dog), Chandler, jumped up to join us.  He snuggled right in next to me as we both rested our heads on John's chest and I wrapped my arms around him (the dog_ and held him tight.  He didn't miss a beat.  He never does.

It never ceases to amaze me how tuned in my dogs are to my emotions.  I never have to say a word, they just know I'm upset, something isn't right, and that I need them at that exact moment.  It never fails.  EVER.  It's pretty awesome how God entrusted us with these beautiful animals to take care of that meet so many of our (my) needs on a daily basis.  I think this shows a huge part of the heart of God and His love for us.  Like dogs, God knows our hearts and knows when we need to be comforted and loved and just does it.  Unconditionally, by the way.  Just like my precious animals.  I would be terribly lonely without them to comfort me, lay beside me, play with, pet, and love.  No one greets me the way they do, comforts me the way they do, or loves and appreciates me the way they do.  Except God, because they are a part of His heart He has decided to share.  What a blessing these precious creatures are! 

This is not to say I am not comforted by other means, but my dogs are some of the very best comfort God has to offer and I would really be missing out if I didn't have them in my life.  Thank you, Lord, for these priceless treasures you allow me to watch over and thank you for entrusting me with their lives.  Amen. 

Below I've posted a link to a clever little song about God and Dog, I hope you take time to enjoy it and smile and that you give thanks for your animals and the heart of God they keep. 

Blessings of Comfort,

Maureen

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H17edn_RZoY

Thoughts for the day

I haven't blogged in awhile since I've been sick and then out of town.  I've missed it!  I'm feeling much better now, though, and had a nice visit with my family and friends in Norman that lifted my spirits.  However, today I am feeling a little lonely and restless.  It was so nice to wake up and be around people who love me and take care of me - not that my husband doesn't, but he leaves for work early in the morning and then it's just me and the puppies.  They provide me with comfort, but not the same as being around people when I need them to stimulate me.

I think a part of these things I experience are due to the fact that I am currently unemployed.  I feel purposeless some days and like I'm just treading water.  This wasn't a choice I got to make but I am looking every day for something new to do that will meet our financial needs and maybe fulfill some of my social needs.  I pray for the right job at the right time, I just haven't found it yet.  Another obstacle in the job hunt has been that I am a RN but I don't like my career.  It's hard to know what you want to do with your life when you don't know what you like.  So, for now, I've decided to just look for a job as a nurse off of the floor (no hospitals) to pass the time and help provide for our family and pay off some debt.  This has also proven to be a challenge as there aren't as many jobs available outside of the hospital as there are in - and the jobs that are available outside have requirements that I don't meet in terms of experience.  I've found this to be frustrating and disheartening at times, but I'm not giving up.
I guess this just leads me into feeling restless.  I do what I can with what I have and sometimes it feels like it's not enough and that I'm not getting anywhere.  It's hard to stay focused when I feel this way so I try and distract myself with other things like our debt free journey, planning for the baby, and cooking dinner for my husband.  There are things that I just have to accept are out of my control and I can't let myself focus on them and let it bring me further down in my depression.  Refocusing is so hard for me right now, though.
 
There's not much else for me to say today, I just felt like sharing some things that have been on my mind lately.  No major themes, just thoughts.  Here's to moving forward, one step at a time.

Maureen

Quiet Time

I've thought a lot lately about posting my thoughts on the subject of just "being quiet", but I'm not sure exactly how to say what I want to say. 

I guess I'll start by voicing the fact that I'm a quiet person by nature.  I enjoy chatting and sharing things with those I love, of course, but less often than others do.  I've had people come to me and tell me (later on in life) that when I was in high school, they mistook my being quiet for being a "snob".  This totally shocked me!  I didn't know I wasn't allowed to just be quiet and shy.  Now I know that I can be quite the introvert and I'm okay with that - although it hurt to hear people thought of me in that way at the time.  

Aside from being quiet by nature, I am quiet by depression.  And SO many people take this personally.  So I'd like to clear the air a little and say that it's not you, it's me.  When I'm in quiet mode, I don't want to talk and nothing you can do or say can help this.  It is not something that needs to be helped.  I'm not ignoring you, by any means, I just don't feel the need to converse.  My focus is inward during these times and I just need some space to breathe and think.  It makes me anxious to force conversation when I'm not feeling like talking.  It does NOT mean I don't care about you or what you have to say.  This has been such a difficult thing the past few years as I have married into a family that thrives on being social and I'm, well, not.  I love them for who they are and what makes them this way - they are incredible people and so much fun to be around.  I just wish they understood more about why I am the way I am and not to take it personally.  I don't even know that they do take it personally, but sometimes I feel this is the case. 

So, I think what I really want to say is that it's okay to be quiet.  If you know someone like me, who is either quiet by nature, quiet by depression, or both, try and understand that they need this time to themselves.  Try not to coerce them to talk when they don't feel like it or don't want to.  And please, PLEASE don't take it personally.  Remember, it's not about you and not everyone is built like you.  Open your mind and your heart today and embrace your quiet friends and family the way they are.  They need your love and support more than they are able to say.  Just let them be quiet. 

Maureen

A New Day

Lately it seems I've been having a lot of trouble accomplishing things on my "to do" list.  There are a couple of reasons for this, I think.  One, pregnancy makes me tired.  REALLY tired.  And I never know when it's going to hit.  Some days I have these amazing bursts of energy.  But then there are days like today - where I didn't get to sleep until 3 am (thank you, pregnancy induced insomnia), had a horrible nights sleep, and couldn't manage to pry myself out of bed before 1 pm.  And it makes me feel flat out lousy.  I hate that I've missed out on almost an entire day when I could have been doing something productive instead of sleeping.  I feel like a failure (I know I'm not).  So back to my list of reasons.

  Two, I'm depressed and some days it takes every bit of strength I can muster to get out of bed.  Not even get dressed - just get out of bed.  It's exhausting mentally, physically, and emotionally using every fiber of your being to focus on that one task.  I know some of you may think this is ridiculous, but it's the truth.  I've had several days in a row in the past where I haven't been able to get out of bed and I'm skimming along rock bottom.  My husband takes a day off of work to help me and I call my psychiatrist and talk with her.  Usually, a medication change comes along with this.  And then there's the time it takes to adjust to this new medicine (usually about a week) until you can feel it starting to work.  

When I'm having days like these, where I feel like I can't get anything done and that it's too late in the day to do anything about it, I remember this - it's never too late to start over.  Start from where I am and go from there.  I can still be productive and do things I want to do and if I don't finish all of them, it's okay.  I've got tomorrow to look forward to.  Every day is a new day, a new beginning.  Sometimes we have to start over every hour, every minute.  Again, there is nothing wrong with this.  We (I) just have to be willing to do this.  There's no need to feel ashamed.  There's no need to feel like a failure.  And there's certainly no need to throw yourself a pity party (well, maybe a small one is okay as long as you don't dwell on it and allow yourself to move on quickly).  Just keep going.

Maureen

Fear

Another not so fun thing that comes along with depression is fear - fear of failure, fear of the unknown, fear of anything and everything.  It's not just that you have fear - everybody has fear.  It's that it eats away at you constantly.  And then along come stress and anxiety.  In fact, I recently looked up the definition of fear in the dictionary and it was defined as "concern or anxiety".  How fitting.  Lately, I've been living in fear and have felt ruled by it.  Fear I won't be a good mother, fear we won't be able to provide for our unborn child and ourselves come June, fear I will never find a job or passion in life that I love.  This leaves me with a feeling of anxiousness at all hours of the day and night, one which I loathe.  Some days it makes me physically ill.  But really, it is just that - a feeling.  And as much as I think I'm powerless to control this, I'm not.  So what now?   I find ways to at least lessen this feeling and take back control of my own life.  It's been an experimental process, to say the least, and involves multiple aspects.  Firstly, I have to point out the obvious:  it's not a quick fix.  It takes time to retrain the mind from your current way of thinking to a more positive frame.  This means you are in a state of constant self-awareness, which is exhausting in and of itself!  But knowing who you are and how you operate is essential in being able to change the way you view/do things.  You know how one negative thought leads to another, and then another?  Why can't the same be true with positive thoughts?  I'm working towards that end.  In retraining my brain and body, I replace the negative (as soon as I can catch myself thinking it) with the positive.  It seems like such a simple thing, but it takes lots of work.  I also engage in mind relaxation exercises, which helps to ease my fears, and, in turn, my stress.  It can work wonders on your body and soul.  I exercise physically as well.  Zumba is my favorite thing right now.  You'd be surprised what an hour of good cardio will do for the mind.  Additionally, I have some wonderful friends that I get to see who are loving and encouraging and just great to be around.  I read.  This one's a little more difficult for me with my short attention span.  I'm working on it, though, as it helps to keep my thoughts in one place.  I don't, however, like to talk about my fears with anyone, husband included.  I've never been much of a talker and it makes me feel vulnerable to tell people my thoughts and feelings (I'm only human).  I should probably work on this one, too.  Prayer and meditation.  I think these speak for themselves.  They allow me to survive more than any other thing.  I also love listening to uplifting music during my day as I go about my activities.  Lastly, I write.  This is new for me and I find it helps organize my thoughts and make things a little clearer.  It's therapeutic and I love it.  I will end with a beautiful verse a friend of mind posted on facebook earlier this week that I've been focusing on:

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
Isaiah 41:10


What are you afraid of?  


Maureen