Fear

Another not so fun thing that comes along with depression is fear - fear of failure, fear of the unknown, fear of anything and everything.  It's not just that you have fear - everybody has fear.  It's that it eats away at you constantly.  And then along come stress and anxiety.  In fact, I recently looked up the definition of fear in the dictionary and it was defined as "concern or anxiety".  How fitting.  Lately, I've been living in fear and have felt ruled by it.  Fear I won't be a good mother, fear we won't be able to provide for our unborn child and ourselves come June, fear I will never find a job or passion in life that I love.  This leaves me with a feeling of anxiousness at all hours of the day and night, one which I loathe.  Some days it makes me physically ill.  But really, it is just that - a feeling.  And as much as I think I'm powerless to control this, I'm not.  So what now?   I find ways to at least lessen this feeling and take back control of my own life.  It's been an experimental process, to say the least, and involves multiple aspects.  Firstly, I have to point out the obvious:  it's not a quick fix.  It takes time to retrain the mind from your current way of thinking to a more positive frame.  This means you are in a state of constant self-awareness, which is exhausting in and of itself!  But knowing who you are and how you operate is essential in being able to change the way you view/do things.  You know how one negative thought leads to another, and then another?  Why can't the same be true with positive thoughts?  I'm working towards that end.  In retraining my brain and body, I replace the negative (as soon as I can catch myself thinking it) with the positive.  It seems like such a simple thing, but it takes lots of work.  I also engage in mind relaxation exercises, which helps to ease my fears, and, in turn, my stress.  It can work wonders on your body and soul.  I exercise physically as well.  Zumba is my favorite thing right now.  You'd be surprised what an hour of good cardio will do for the mind.  Additionally, I have some wonderful friends that I get to see who are loving and encouraging and just great to be around.  I read.  This one's a little more difficult for me with my short attention span.  I'm working on it, though, as it helps to keep my thoughts in one place.  I don't, however, like to talk about my fears with anyone, husband included.  I've never been much of a talker and it makes me feel vulnerable to tell people my thoughts and feelings (I'm only human).  I should probably work on this one, too.  Prayer and meditation.  I think these speak for themselves.  They allow me to survive more than any other thing.  I also love listening to uplifting music during my day as I go about my activities.  Lastly, I write.  This is new for me and I find it helps organize my thoughts and make things a little clearer.  It's therapeutic and I love it.  I will end with a beautiful verse a friend of mind posted on facebook earlier this week that I've been focusing on:

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
Isaiah 41:10


What are you afraid of?  


Maureen